


Final Life

by halfheart



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, KakaRin, Kakashi/Rin, Nohara Rin Lives, Rin/Kakashi - Freeform, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2020-07-09 11:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19887007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfheart/pseuds/halfheart
Summary: How often do you get a second chance? Kakashi never expected to see her again, and though he hoped he could, he never dreamed it was possible. Now that she's returned to the Leaf Village, Rin is determined to take control of her own life again. But how can they navigate through years of loneliness and distance between them? Can they pick up where they left off, or will they have to start over completely? Either way, Rin is determined to live her new life on her own terms, and she will not lose him again.





	1. Home

_They will come for me._

Rin's heart pounded in her chest as she dashed as fast as humanly possible through the forest. She knew that she wasn't being followed and the people chasing her were nonexistant, but she wouldn't dare to slow down and look over her shoulder to see if that was true. She needed to keep running, to put as much distance between her and the past ten years. She wasn't even sure how long she had been running. Her body begged her to _just stop for a second_ , but she refused to hear it. If her memory hadn't deceived her, she would be safe soon...

Moisture dripped down her forehead and cheeks and she gave her face a harsh swipe with the back of her hand, trying not to think about the new reddish brown stains on her skin. _Just a little more. I'm almost there._

Her lungs felt like they were hardening inside of her, and she could barely swallow because of how dry her mouth and throat were, but she grit her teeth and willed her legs to move her along faster.

Then, the trees began to clear. And the more she ran, the more the green gates she had dreamt of seeing came into view. Oh, God, she did it. She almost couldn't believe that she had made it here, she was almost sure that she would get caught before getting close. She was finally home, but she couldn't rest to celebrate just yet.

Though she hadn't had access to a mirror or any sort of reflective surface in a few days, she knew she looked disheveled. And there was no use in drawing more attention to herself. She needed to be invisible right now.

Under different circumstances, she probably would have fallen to her knees in tears at the sight of the Konoha front gates. She would have pinched herself to make sure this wasn't another one of the countless dreams she had about finally being able to come home.

But her dreams were irrelevant at that moment. Darting around the back of the hospital, she was grateful that the general location of most buildings hadn't changed since she was here last. She could hardly stop and take a look at what _had_ changed, but there would time for that later. Well, she hoped so, anyway.

She turned onto yet another block and her eyes locked on the apartment she had been looking for. She ran even faster, ignoring the pain that shot up in her legs in protest. She would _not_ give up now. As she got closer to the apartment, her vision blurred with tears. _This is happening. I can't believe I'm finally here._

She nearly collapsed against the front door. She slapped her palms on the painted red door and leaned against the door, gasping for air as she pounded against the wood of the door. "Master Jiraiya!" she cried, tears streaming down her face (from exhaustion, or emotion, she really couldn't tell). "Please... Please open the door. It's me." Saying that instead of her name was vague, she knew. But all this running had made her paranoid that someone was around that would hear her and send her back.

 _What if he's not home? Where else can I go?_. She continued knocking desperately, her legs growing weak. She felt like she was on the verge of collapsing as she thought about who else she could go to. Kakashi? _No,_ she thought bitterly, _You can't think about him right now. Later._

In one swift motion, Rin lurched forward as the door opened. Luckily, she managed to stumble forward slightly without falling completely.

Jiraiya appeared before her, looking at her blankly. _No,_ she thought wearily, _he doesn't remember me_.

Suddenly his face broke into a big smile, and he opened up his arms, shaking his head a little. "Why, hello, little one. This will surely overshadow my own return to Konoha, but I'll forgive you this time." That was all she needed to hear. Bursting into tears, Rin leapt into his arms, using her last bit of strength to hold on to him as tightly as she could. His laughter rumbled in his chest as he clutched her back with equal strength. The familiar smell of Jiraiya's favorite sake wafted through her nose and she had never been happier to smell it. She was home. She was finally home.

* * *

Kakashi was thinking. And it had been a while since he had time to think. He hated it.

His students were off... doing their own things for now. In such a short period of time, they seemed not to need him as their sensei anymore. His days became more free, much to his chagrin. Usually on his days off, he would wake up, read a bit, and visit the Konoha cemetery, where he would stay for hours.

These days that was all he could do. Once in a while, Gai would pester him until he agreed to engage in some sort of mini-competition. When his days off were scarce, he would either try to avoid Gai altogether or begrudgingly agree, in which case, he would try and win as quickly as possible. These days, Gai's competitions were welcome, and he hoped for a distraction.

But today, it was just him and his thoughts to keep him company.

On days like these, when nothing could possibly distract him from his own mind, Kakashi liked to talk to his friends—not Gai or Kurenai or Asuma, who were alive, but Obito and Rin.

He noted how warm the weather was today. Slightly humid, but not to the point that it was uncomfortable. The cherry blossoms were starting the grow, and he could see little pink petals piling up in front of Rin's grave. How fitting. This was her favorite time of year.

With a sigh, Kakashi knelt down and placed a small bouquet of white lilies on top of the stone with her name etched on it. Then he sat down completely, thankful that the dew on the grass was gone and there wouldn't put a wet patch on his ass when he stood up. He would go visit Obito and Sensei later, but he felt like talking to her today.

He reached forward to trace her name, the stone cool and smooth against his finger. "How are you, Rin? I'm sure you're happy that spring is finally here..."

He continued to tell her about all the new things that had happened since he last spoke to her. Kurenai and Asuma still had not decided on a venue for their wedding. Anko was suspected to have a secret boyfriend but wouldn't tell anyone about it. Kakashi's students were growing up and were really coming into their own, and he wasn't sure if that was a good or poor reflection on his duties as their Sensei.

"Surprisingly, Sasuke is the only one who gives me any attention these days," he said. "And he keeps bugging me to show him the Chidori... Maybe I'm just being a baby about it, but I just don't feel like it." He put his hands up. "I know, I know, that sounds terrible coming from a sensei, someone who's supposed to teach and train the future of our village... But I see how he is, and he is so much like how I used to be." He gave a short laugh. "If you had told me when I was his age that I would get a student who was exactly like me, I might've jumped for joy." He shook his head, the slight bit of humor gone from his voice. "I wanted to be better, I wanted to make sure that what happened our team wouldn't happen to them, and look what happened... those little bastards ended up damn near replicating us—except they weren't lucky enough to have a sensei as great as ours." He sighed. "They're doomed, aren't they, Rin?"

He continued talking, and the weight on his chest felt a little lighter because he did. How ironic, that he would share all of this with her now, yet he couldn't do that when she was still alive. When she asked him to. When she held him and stroked his hair and told him that she would always be here for him. Rin kept her promises. Kakashi, on the other hand, though he tried to keep his, had such damned terrible luck in the promises department.

If she was actually listening, he figured she was tired of hearing him complain. With one last touch to her name, he stood. And he told her what he always told her when he parted from her, which was what he should have said when she was alive. _I'm sorry. I miss you. I need you._

_I love you._

Of course, he never said that last one. Just even thinking it would be enough to rip him apart. It took him a while to tell her "I need you," and that would have to be enough.

With one last look at her grave, he strolled over to the memorial stone to see Obito next.

* * *

After a horrifying look in a mirror, a shower and a fresh change of clothes left behind by a... "lover" of Jiraiya's, Rin could hardly believe her eyes as she sat down on Jiraiya's couch, a steaming cup of tea in front of her. Luckily, she had only sustained some scrapes, bruises and cuts on her journey, so there was no need for her to go to a hospital. Good. As happy as she was to be home, she didn't feel ready to see everyone from her past.

And would they be ready to see her? Her mind moved through the names of all the people she had left behind, who, as far as she knew, were still alive. Kurenai. Asuma. Gai. Anko.

Kakashi. What would Kakashi think of her?

"Don't worry about him." Jiraiya's voice cut her mini spiral short. He sat across from her, leaning forward with his hands on his knees.

"Who are you talking about?" she asked, the slightest bit annoyed. As grateful as she was for Jiraiya, she hated that he knew her so well, even after all this time.

His eyes sparkled with mischief. "You know who I'm talking about." He leaned back in his chair, relaxed, now resting his hands behind his head. "So. You're alive. That is wonderful and all, but you've got to understand why I might be curious as to why."

Rin nodded. "I honestly am not sure," she admitted. "Even after all this time. I woke up and I was in a hospital... I don't know how they managed to save me, or what they used to keep me alive, but..." She shuddered. "They didn't do it out of the goodness of their hearts. I was an experiment, and if I died, they would've just tossed my body out somewhere and found someone else to operate on."

Jiraiya furrowed his brows, pressing his lips together. "Rin, where have you been all this time?"

She swallowed. "The Sound Village," she replied, her voice uneven.

The way his eyes widened and then narrowed in anger scared her. It took a lot to make Jiraiya so visibly upset. "God... I can't even imagine what you must have gone through—"

"It's alright," she added quickly, hoping to diffuse his sour mood. "After that, they monitored me for a while and pretty much left me alone. I started working at a hospital there." She was lying through her teeth, heavily sugarcoating what had really happened, but it would have do for now. She felt exhausted.

Luckily, Jiraiya could sense that she was getting overwhelmed, so he relaxed a bit.

But he didn't back off entirely. "Let me ask you this, and I want you to answer me honestly," he said, holding a finger up.

She nodded.

"Why did Kakashi kill you?" It was a simple question, and he said it as if it meant nothing.

But it meant everything to her.

She blinked, fighting tears as she answered. "The people who took me... they sealed the Three Tails inside of me, hoping that when I came back to Konoha, I would lose control and let it loose so that it could destroy the city. I asked him to kill me." A tear escaped, and she wiped it away hastily. "He said no. He told me that there was another way, that there _had_ to be another way... But I had made my mind up, and I was ready to die. And I knew he wasn't fully able to control the Chidori just yet, so I jumped in front of him." She shook her head, overwhelmed at having to relive that memory. She buried her face in her hands. "I shouldn't have done that to him, I should have just killed myself instead—"

"No," Jiraiya interrupted. "If you had, you wouldn't be here with me now, would you?" He gave a small smile, but his eyes held hers with a solemn gaze.

”Did he not tell you?”

Jiraiya shook his head. “No. I was on a mission myself at the time. I came back a few days after it happened and found out what happened...” He closed his eyes briefly, and the guilt tugged at her heart. “Anyway, I nearly knocked down Hatake’s door, looking for answers, because _it just didn’t make sense_. He refused to talk about it. The only person he told was Minato, but even he couldn’t tell too many people, either... They thought Kakashi killed you for the sake of the mission.”

She gasped. _No. How could anyone think that?_ Rubbing at her eyes, Rin asked carefully, "Is he angry with me?" There it was, the unnamed "he," whose name she’d yet to say out loud since coming here. "He" who Jiraiya had told her not to worry about. "He" who had been on her mind ever since she could remember.

"He was," Jiraiya answered simply. "Well, he was just angry. Probably at himself, most likely." Her heart sank. That was even worse than being angry at her. "Why don't you ask him yourself?"

Her eyes widened. "What? I can't just show up out of the blue and bombard him with questions!" she insisted, caught off guard by the suggestion. Her face betrayed her, though, and she fought the urge the smile at the thought of seeing Kakashi again.

Jiraiya noticed this and snickered. "Don't worry, I'm sure however you plan on handling it will be fine. Besides, imagine how hurt he'd be to know you didn't come running straight to him as soon as you got here."

"I... I don't know about that." In fact, she had tried so hard to _not_ think about him during her escape. She had always been weighed down by her emotions, and couldn't risk that happening until she knew she was safe. She also was afraid that he would turn her away, angry at her for making him kill her all those years ago, and leaving him to suffer the consequences of it. She was angry at herself, still.

"Well, regardless, I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. I actually saw young Hatake on his way to the cemetery, not long before you came knocking on my door," Jiraiya said, his eyes twinkling. "I've seen him. He spends hours there on his days off, talking to the head stones. I'm sure he'll appreciate someone talking back for once." He winked, igniting a surge of excitement that had been building in Rin's chest ever since she laid her eyes on the front gates. She was so focused on getting here that she hadn't really thought through what would happen when she actually got to Konoha.

"Just go," Jiraiya said. "We both know that you want to see him."

She stood up, giving the full, lukewarm cup of tea in front of her a bewildered look. She had completely forgotten about it. "Thank you, Master Jiraiya. Thank you for the tea, and I'm sorry I forgot about it, but thank you. Thank you for everything." She gave a nod to acknowledge him and marched towards the front door. He beat her to it and opened the door for her.

"Oh, and Rin?" She turned around. "With Hatake's foolishly handsome face on your mind, I'm sure you've forgotten about some things. Things like, where you're going to live?"

He was right, she hadn't thought that through either. She would rather sleep on a park bench than go back to her place in the Sound Village. Ignoring what he said about Kakashi's face, she replied, "You're right. I hadn't thought about it yet."

He waved his hand. "Well don't start now. You'll stay with me. You can stay on the first floor. It doesn't look like it, but I've remodeled it over the years... It's proven helpful for my, ah, _conquests..._ " She tried not to cringe at him. His love for women hadn't changed a bit. "It's no problem at all," he added. "In fact, there's no use in discussing it any further. You'll stay with me."

"I... Thank you." She knew there was no use in arguing with him. She gave him as big of a smile as she could muster. "Thank you for everything."

He nodded. "Of course!" Folding his arm and leaning against the doorway. "Why did you come here first and not to Hatake's apartment? His is closer to the entrance. You would have had to twist and turn to get here."

It would be a lie to say she hadn't considered that at first, but she was afraid to see Kakashi just as much as she was excited to see him. Besides, she trusted Jiraiya. He had been like a father to her after her parents died when she was still at the academy. He took care of her as if she was his own.

With a real, genuine smile, she answered. "Because I knew you would understand."

* * *

The warmth of the sun was slowly being replaced by a slight chill in the air. Kakashi was standing in front of Minato sensei's grave, and his desire to talk to his dead teacher soon diminished along with the warm weather. So he wrapped up the one sided conversation they were having, and turned to exit the cemetery.

He felt drained. The thought of going home alone to a dark, scarcely furnished apartment made his chest feel heavy, but the thought of going the bar where his friends would be also exhausted him. He decided he had been alone with his thoughts for far too long, and if he felt exhausted around his friends, he could always lose himself in some sake shots.

He continued trudging on through the cemetery, trying to convince himself that surrounding himself with people was a hell of a lot better than isolating himself. He even made a mental pros and cons list.

_Pro: Alcohol. Con: He would risk a hangover tomorrow. Pro: He could get lost in stories that his friends often told when they were drunk. Plus, alcohol somehow made everything seem so much more interesting. Con: Gai would surely engage in some sort of competition—_

Then he saw something that took his mind away from his pros and cons list, making him stop dead in his tracks. And it took a lot to surprise him.

He noticed her eyes first.


	2. I Wish

Kakashi saw her eyes first.

They were wide, and tense. He knew that they were light brown, but even in the scarce amount of sunlight, they looked golden. His glance moved to take in the rest of her face. The purple stripes that her clan had tattooed on her face when she was young were still there. He wanted to run over and touch them, touch her, to see if she was actually standing in front of him. Her brown hair fell just below her shoulders, a little longer than how she used to keep it. She was wearing a tan T-shirt that was slightly too big over some leggings and a pair of sandals. In his dreams, she always wore the same thing...

"Kakashi." His name escaped her lips so quietly he wondered if he had imagined it. She moved closer to him tentatively, as if she was afraid to scare him away with any sudden movements. Funny, he was afraid to do the same thing to her. Was she a ghost, a hallucination? It didn't matter to him at that moment. It didn't matter anymore the second he heard her say his name. It would hurt like hell when she finally disappeared, like she always did in his dreams and he'd be forced to snap back into reality, but he decided then and there that it was worth it. She was worth it. Seeing her again was worth it.

And she was so beautiful. She had always been so beautiful.

"Kakashi," she said again. She was closer to him now, almost an arm's reach away. "Please..." she trailed off, but seemed to will herself to finish her sentence. "Please say something." Her request was quiet, but her eyes desperately begged him for _something,_ anything at all.

 _I'm sorry. I miss you. I need you. I lov—_ No. Whenever he saw her in his dreams, he would always try to get through all four. He never could. And he wasn't ready to see her disappear just yet.

He closed the distance between them until their feet were almost touching. She seemed... so real. She had never seemed so real. He tried to catch his breath, but it was weighed down in his lungs, struggling to reach his throat. She couldn't be here, right in front of him. She couldn't be alive. There was absolutely no way.

There was no way he could have prepared for this. No matter how much he dreamed about seeing her again, he always knew he wouldn't—couldn't see her again. Just like how he wasn't prepared for how hot her blood was all those years ago. He wasn't prepared to hear his name escape from her lips along with her last breath. He wasn't prepared to lose her then, and certainly not to a death brought by his own hand.

Slowly, he removed his hand from his pocket and lifted it to her face. Barely touching her, he stroked the purple stripe on her left cheek, his shaky, quiet breaths quickly turning into gasps as he felt her skin underneath his finger. _Holy fucking shit._

He heard her take a sharp intake of breath as soon as he touched her and he was about to remove his hand, afraid that he had frightened her or hurt her, but she gripped his hand and pressed it closer to her cheek. He was wearing gloves, but his fingertips were still able to detect the warmth of her skin.

"How... You died," he declared, though the way he said it made it sound more like a question.

She shook her head, her golden eyes shiny with tears. 

“You’re not real, you _can’t_ be real,” he murmured. “I... I _killed_ you, Rin.” He spat out that last part, and she flinched a little at the tiny outburst. He tried to relax a little, sorry that he scared her.

She leaned into his hand and stared directly at his visible, non-Sharingan eye. “It’s me, Kakashi,” she said with a shaky voice. “It’s me. I’m alive. I’m so, so sorry.” She blinked, and the tears that were pooling in her eyes spilled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated. 

His heart ached so badly at the sight of her crying. Seeing her tears made him forget about his, coming out of his gray eye _and_ his Sharingan. Almost instinctively, he moved his thumb to brush away the tears that had fallen. Then his other hand came up and did the same to the other side of her face.

His thumbs were moving up and down gently on her cheeks and he relished in feeling the softness of her skin against his fingertips. 

_Rin is alive and she’s right here, in front of me. And what am I doing? Just standing in front of her? I must be the biggest idiot in the world_.

He took another step and put his arms around the angel in front of him. She nearly collapsed from his embrace, sobbing into his chest as she held him back, gripping him so, so tightly. He pressed his cheek against the top of her head and lost himself in her. His fingers ran through her hair as he pressed her against him. He felt her chest heave in and out, with every breath she took. He felt all of her, every curve of her body pressed up against him, yet a small part of him still couldn’t believe she was really here. It _was_ Rin. She was alive. Now that he finally had her in his arms, he was so afraid of letting her go again.

They held each other for so long, left alone in the peace of the cemetery. After a while, Rin’s sobs has quieted and she lifted her head up to look at him. He reached to brush away any remaining tears, and she shivered at the feeling of his fingers. Now was his opportunity to tell her everything he had wanted to for over ten years. But his words caught in his throat. How many times had he dreamt of seeing her again? Why was he freezing up?

Time seemed to stand still then. The world, and all it’s problems seemed to disappear around them, leaving them with only each other. It felt like they had all the time in the world to... what? To explain everything that had happened to them over the last ten years? To figure out how to move forward? Easier than said done.

“I’m sorry,” he said, hesitant to meet her eyes, which were blinking at him in curiosity. He had so many things to be sorry for. For treating her like shit when they were young. For not being able to protect her. For killing her. To say “I’m sorry” so simply was vague, sure. But he couldn’t get into now, not here.

”I miss you,” he continued, allowing his fingers to lightly trace her jawline. 

She gave a little teary smile. “Silly. Don’t miss me when I’m right here.” 

He couldn’t help but smile back. “Indeed you are,” he replied. His brain was incapable of processing that fact at the moment. For now, he would just enjoy being with her.

* * *

Rin was suddenly painfully aware that they were standing in a cemetery. As much as she enjoyed being in the comfort of his arms, she realized how strange they must look if anyone saw them.

”This is morbid, even for us,” she remarked, and her mood brightened at Kakashi’s gray eye crinkling slightly, indicating a smile.

He caught on quickly. ”I don’t know about that, they say a cemetery is the best place to reunite with people from your past,” he replied coolly.

”Who says that?”

”They.”

”Ah.” She glanced their surroundings, scanning the nearby head stones and skimming them to see if she recognized any of the names.

 _I died, too_ , she realized. Her name had to be here somewhere. 

“What’s wrong?” Kakashi studied her face, looking worried. She marveled at how she could read him, even with that mask on.

“Am I here?” she asked. “I mean, is my name here? Is my...” She closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath to calm herself down. “Is my grave here?”

He gave a solemn nod. “Yes,” he answered. Then, he asked carefully: “Would you like to see it? I can take you to Sensei and Kushina’s too, if you want.”

She wasn’t sure if her own grave and her teacher’s was something she _wanted_ to see... but perhaps it was simply morbid curiosity. Also, Jiraiya had mentioned that Kakashi frequented the cemetery on his days off, and she was curious to see where he has chosen to spend his time.

”Okay,” she said, and he nodded in understanding. Letting go of her, he turned and headed towards a stone near the end of a row. She followed him, but as he got closer, he jogged over to a stone and picked up a bouquet of flowers.

She joined him and he held out the white flowers towards her. “I bought you these today. Didn’t think I’d actually get to hand them to you like this... I usually just leave them here until they’re taken away, and then I’ll buy new ones,” he said nonchalantly. He was still good at hiding his emotions.

She, on the other hand, swallowed the lump in her throat as she accepted the flowers with a grateful smile.

He moved aside so she could stand in front of the stone and see the whole thing clearly. It was small, it was the same size all that of the other dead citizens’.

Her eyes scanned her name. Her own damn name, on a grave. She felt almost like she was trespassing, or violating someone’s privacy by looking at this grave so intensely. Would it have been better if she had just died? It would have saved Kakashi whatever confusion he was feeling right now, even if he was trying not to show it. 

Suddenly, she felt a sense of disdain looking at the stone. It was mourning a young girl, a young, stupid, selfish girl, who forced Kakashi to kill her and left him to bear the wounds of her death afterwards. She decided then and there that she would _not_ be that girl anymore. 

“I suppose Sensei’s is back there?” she asked, walking towards the back of the cemetery, where all the more important people were buried. Kakashi followed, silently, but she could feel his gaze carefully watching her.

Following Kakashi’s lead to Minato and Kushina’s graves, Rin couldn’t help but feel nervous. She had known that they were dead for years, but she had to come to terms with it now. Their bodies were buried here.

Slowly, she knelt down between the two stones. She felt like she was shaking so much that if she made any sudden moves, she’d fall apart.

Kakashi stayed quiet behind her, letting her have a moment alone with them. She appreciated that.

Rin traced their names with her fingers, almost as if to let them know she was here. “Hi, Sensei. Hi, Kushina. I’m sorry I haven’t been here... Just know that I miss you both so, so much and I think about you everyday,” she whispered, blinking back tears. She was so tired of crying.

With one last squeeze of her eyes, she plucked two flowers from the bouquet in her hand and put one in front of each stone. “These are from Kakashi and me. We love you, always.”

Without another word, Rin stood up and found the Memorial Stone to say hello to Obito. Kakashi followed, keeping a respectful distance and maintaining a protective gaze.

She said a few words to Obito and left him a flower, as well. Standing up again, she walked back over to Kakashi, bouquet in hand. Her heart felt heavy in her chest, but seeing him made her feel like she could handle the weight.

”Thank you,” she said. “For being patient. I’m sure you have a bazillion questions.”

He raises an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t say it’s a _bazillion_...” Rin could tell he was trying to keep things light, but she knew he wasn’t feeling all that great at the moment.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” she asked.

Kakashi took her to his apartment. It was the best place to go where no one would see her. She told him that she wasn’t ready just yet to publicly come back from the dead, and he understood what a headache it was going to be.

He opened the door to his small apartment and a sense of warm familiarity washed over her. For the most part, it looked the same. He had standard furniture, and minimal decorations, the only ones that Rin could see were two picture frames on his bookshelf. She recognized one as their own team photo. The other, she guessed, must be a photo of his new team.

“Can I get you anything?” Kakashi’s smooth voice took her attention off the photos. 

“No, thank you,” she replied, remembering the tea that Jiraiya had offered her. “I think I’m okay.”

With a slight nod, Kakashi led them to his couch, where they sat down side by side. There was a heaviness in the air that neither of them wanted to address, but needed to in order to get through this.

She was grateful when he started: “How did you know where I was?”

”Master Jiraiya,” she answered, a hint of guilt seeping into her voice. Well, there was no point in lying or sugarcoating anything. She added, “He was the first person I came to.” Then she pressed her lips together, preparing for how he would react to not being the first person to see her.

”Yeah,” he replied. “He actually had left Konoha for a while. He got back maybe, three weeks ago.”

Rin nodded. “He mentioned something about that.” Kakashi was looking at her, and from what she could tell by looking at one eye, there was no judgement in his gaze. But she also saw a sadness in him that wasn’t there the last time she saw him.

”I wanted to see you,” she added. “I wanted to see you for so long, but when I got back, I... I was so afraid.”

”Of what?” he asked, tensing slightly. Her cheeks warmed a bit at his protective demeanor.

”I was afraid that you would be angry with me, after what I did.” She looked away from him this time. She didn’t have an excuse, she was extremely aware of the gravity of her decision. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t ashamed, or guilty of putting him through all of that. 

“What did Master Jiraiya tell you?” he asked gently.

“He told me that you were. But then you turned that anger onto yourself.” 

Kakashi nodded, his calm exterior unwavering. “That’s true.” 

“Are you still?”

”What? Angry?”

”Yeah.”

”At who?”

”Just in general.”

He scoffed. “How could I be angry? This is surely one of the best days of my life—crazy, sure. But there’s nothing for me to be angry about today.”

Her heart jumped at his words and she fought the urge to throw her arms around him. Was he really brushing it all off that easily?

“If anything,” he continued, “I understand. Why you did it. I mean, obviously, I wish you hadn’t done it, but I understand why. And it took me a long time to understand but I do now. And in all honesty, I probably would have done the same if I was in your position.”

”I...” She was speechless. Here he was, handing her his forgiveness on a silver platter and she almost wanted to talk him out of it. _She_ hadn’t even forgiven herself, so how could he?

”Are you afraid that everyone else is angry with you, too?” She nodded. “What makes you think they’d be mad at you?”

 _Because Master Jiraiya told me that everyone thought you killed me on purpose. Because I let them think I was dead for so long_. “I ruined your life,” she said after a while. 

It was a pretty heavy statement, yet he dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “You didn’t. All you ever did was make it better.”

* * *

Rin was skeptical, and Kakashi understood why. He meant it when he said that he wasn’t angry, but there was still a huge amount of agony in his heart that he didn’t know what to do with now that she was back in his life. 

He felt like it was something that couldn’t be fixed by talking about it, so he chose to keep it from her. Instead, he asked her about the last ten years of her life. 

He learned that she had become extremely skilled in medical ninjutsu over the years, as she worked at the Sound Village hospital for most of her time there. She told him about how it was a simple, modest life... as long as she stayed there. Though they didn’t outright torture her, she saw what happened to people who tried to escape. She saw their bodies, mutilated beyond repair, beyond her ability to heal.

So, she faked her death. Luckily, most people in the village were more concerned with an (unsuccessful) uprising to notice her. Nevertheless, fire and chaos broke out throughout the village, and Rin used the opportunity to escape. Shoving only some food, water and a kunai into a pouch, she set her apartment on fire and escaped, unfollowed—at least, as far as she knew.

By the time she finished telling the story, her face looked haggard, as if she had relived it as she was telling him about everything.

”I’m not here because I want protection or because I want you to help hide me,” she revealed. “I’m here because I’m tired of being alive but not living. I don’t want to live in fear, or in pain, I just want to help other people and be with the people I love. I won’t waste my life being afraid anymore, I just _can’t_.”

He was in awe. From what he heard, she had gone through hell, not just in the past few days, but also the past ten years. And here she was, sitting beside him with a determined look on her face to... live. He never thought of living as something that needed to be _decided_ , rather something that just _happened_.

Kakashi thought of fourteen year old Rin and how she’d be in this situation. Somehow, he was sure that she would have a similar mindset to the Rin sitting on his couch right now. She was never overwhelmingly positive, but she always managed to see brightness where Kakashi could only see clouds. And even if he never told her so, he was always grateful that she could help him see it, too. 

So how was she so different, yet still the same? He couldn’t wrap his head around that... maybe _he_ was the one who changed. He hoped so, remembering the asshole that fourteen year old Kakashi was. He didn’t deserve her kindness, her friendship, her _love_. Yet she gave it all to him, and so much more. When he had finally realized this, it had been too late.

But she was back, sitting in his living room. And he decided he didn’t want to be afraid anymore, either. He had been so, so afraid that she hated him for what he did to her, and he had been afraid of all the ways she made him feel, even after she had allegedly died. 

So, in one swift motion, he moved closer to Rin and drew her to him, holding him against her with an intensity that surprised him. For a second, he was worried that he’d scared her, but his worry faded when her arms came around his chest as tightly as his were around her. She was trembling in his arms, though she wasn’t crying. He buried his face in her hair and sighed, wanting to lose himself in her, to collapse in her arms and feel safe knowing that she would still hold him and keep him together.

He was suddenly overcome with emotion. All the sadness and longing he had felt for her came rushing back to him in that moment. He never thought he’d be able to hold her like this. ”Please don’t leave me,” he whispered. _Please don’t make me live without you again_. 

Her voice was muffled by his vest, but her reply was clear: “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Her head lifted, and there was so much determination and strength behind her tired, brown eyes. 

And Kakashi believed her. Rin was always one to keep her promises, after all.


	3. In My Place

Rin had always felt nervous approaching the Hokage’s office. This, of course, was now tripled due to the fact that she was going there now on the sole purpose of announcing that she, in fact, was _not_ dead. Kakashi had called a meeting with the Hokage and jounin team leaders rather last minute, and Rin’s anxiety grew, knowing that they were waiting impatiently.

Luckily, Kakashi had enough sense to walk her there himself, so she wouldn’t have to go in alone. She glanced at him as they walked up the stairs together, jealous at how calm he seemed to be. He was slightly slouched, hands in his pockets, gazing ahead nonchalantly. He turned his head towards her. “What?” he asked.

”How are you so calm right now?” 

He shrugged. “I’m just the messenger. No reason to be nervous.”

His calm response irritated her a little, more so out of jealousy than anything else. “I’m happy for you.” She scowled at the sight of the double doors leading to the Hokage’s office. She buried her face in her hands as they stopped in front of the doors. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Carefully, Kakashi peeled her hands from her face. Then, he put his finger under her chin to lift her face up so she’d look at him. The calmness he exuded earlier had disappeared, replaced by a gentle concern and seriousness. “You can. If anyone can do it, it’s you. And if you really don’t feel ready, we can turn back around and go home.”

It was a nice thing to say, but she sure as hell didn’t believe him. But she appreciated the thought anyway. “Doesn’t sound realistic. I’m sure there would be hell to pay if you called this meeting and showed up with nothing.”

 _Shrug_. “I guess there would be. But say the word, and I’ll throw you over my shoulder and run like hell down these stairs.” He smiled. “And don’t think I won’t do it. ‘Cause I will.”

”You talk a good game. Well now, I’m just curious to see if it’ll actually happen,” she teased lightly.

”Course it will. I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” he said, putting a protective hand on her shoulder. His stance remained unchanged, and she wondered if he understood the impact his words had on her. After so many years of feeling so isolated and alone, it warmed her heart to know that she had his support. The feeling of his hand gave her enough courage to look up and nod, signaling that she was ready.

With his other hand, Kakashi knocked once, then twisted the doorknob to open of the heavy doors, guiding Rin inside the large, bright room. Light shone through the large windows behind the desk, and Rin had shield her eyes with her hand.

But, as soon as she and Kakashi took a step into the room, the sun was suddenly was the least of her problems. An eerie silence filled the room as Kakashi guided her forward, towards Sarutobi Hiruzen, who was sitting at the grand desk, a regal, but blank look on his face. She kept her eyes mostly on him, but couldn't help but try and assess the room out of her periphery. 

She recognized a few of her old, dear friends. Gai. Kurenai. Asuma—who she didn't even need to see to recognize his presence. The smell of cigarette smoke wafted through her nose, and in under any other circumstance, she would have been irritated to know that he was still maintaining such a filthy habit. But now? She had never been so glad to smell it. 

"Kakashi," a clear, but shaky voice echoed through the room. "Who...who is that?"

Kurenai's voice. Rin could tell that she already knew the answer, but wanted someone else to confirm if she was correct. _It's me, Kurenai,_ Rin wanted to say. _I'm alive. I'm not a ghost, I've been alive all this time_. But she willed herself to continue forward, fight the urge to break down and run into the arms of her childhood friend, and stayed silent. 

"Kakashi!" Kurenai exclaimed again when she received no answer. The desperation in her voice tore at Rin's heart.

"Take a guess," Kakashi said coolly, as he and Rin approached the Sandaime's desk. "I promise you're not as far off as you think." Rin wanted to punch him in the shoulder for his brazen response, but forgot all about it once the Sandaime spoke.

"Enough." The Hokage's voice was firm, but his face softened when his eyes locked with hers. He recognized her. Though she had never spent a great amount of time with him when she was young, but she knew him as the great shinobi Sarutobi Hiruzen, as well as her friend Asuma's father, and he regarded her as Jiraiya's surrogate daughter. Despite the anxiety welling up in her chest, a part of her felt relief in knowing that he was the one leading Konoha for all these years. She was grateful to know that her loved ones were in his strong, good natured hands. And if he didn't turn her away now, so would she.

"I was going to ask Kakashi why he had the gall to call such an impromptu meeting, but now I understand his hastiness." The Sandaime leaned forward, jutting his chin at Rin to let her know he would address her next. "Just so we're all on the same page, who are you, my child? I'm sure those of us who recognize the purple marks on your face have an idea already."

Rin swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. Kakashi gave a supportive squeeze on her shoulder and met her eyes. He gave a brief nod as if to say, _It's okay. I'm right here. I won't let anything happen to you._

"My name is Nohara Rin," she stated, trying to keep her voice level. "I attempted suicide ten years ago, on a mission, after I was kidnapped and realized my captors had sealed the Three-Tails inside of me. They were going to release it once I returned to Konoha so it would destroy the village, but I refused to let that happen." Her hands were balled into fists at her side, tired of retelling her story over and over again, though she knew it was necessary. "I woke up in a hospital in the Sound Village. I still don't know how they managed to save my life. They were running all sorts of medical experiments on me and other patients. Once they grew tired of me and found out about the medical ninjutsu skills I possessed, they moved me to work in a hospital that was specifically designated for patients who were being experimented on. I wasn't allowed to leave the village or contact anyone from the outside." 

The Hokage's face remained unchanged. "Yet, here you are. Alive, and away from the Sound Village. Did you run away?"

"Yes," she answered simply. 

"Why? The shinobi of the Sound Village would surely come after you, would they not?" The Hokage's features hardened slightly.

"I faked my death during an uprising, so I'm not sure if they even know that I'm alive," Rin answered. "And I couldn't be a part of Orochimaru's experiments." Hiruzen pressed his lips together into a thin line at the mention of his old student. "Even if they weren't experimenting on me anymore, I was healing people just so they could get hurt again. I decided that I would rather get caught and die than continue to live so miserably." 

The Hokage didn't say anything for a while, and the silence sent Rin's brain into a paranoid frenzy. What if he decided that she wasn't worth the trouble and sent her away? Where would she go then? She looked to her right and met Kurenai's gaze, her red eyes brimmed with tears. 

"I understand." The Hokage's voice caused Rin's attention to snap back to him. "And I am deeply sorry for what you've experienced. What, exactly, did you hope would happen upon arriving in Konoha?" Coming from anyone else, she might have been insulted by what seemed like a very patronizing question. However, studying the Hokage's face, there was no arrogance or anger in his features. There was only concern.

"I only wanted to come home," she answered honestly. "I didn't really have an idea of what I'd do once I actually got here, because a part of me didn't even expect that I'd make it. But, I am not here because I want to hide. I certainly don't want anyone to risk their life hiding me, either. I don't want to hide, and I don't want to be a ghost. I also have a lot of information," she added, and she could feel everyone's ears perking up. "I was experimented on, and I know what they've done to people there. Whatever you want to know, I'll tell you."

The Hokage nodded. "And how can I be sure you're not here as a spy? Surely you must understand my skepticism, I _am_ the Hokage, after all." 

Kakashi spoke up. "I can vouch for her." Rin felt his thumb move in tiny circles on her shoulder. "I'll make sure nothing goes wrong."

The Hokage gave a little smile. "As simple as that?" Then he shook his head, and gave a long sigh. "Alright. I trust you'll be in good hands with Kakashi here, and as curious as I am, I'm sure we can continue this conversation later. Do you have a place to stay?" He glanced knowingly at Kakashi, and Rin blushed. 

"Yes!" she answered quickly. "I'm staying with Master Jiraiya, in his first floor apartment."

The Hokage nodded. "Alright. This meeting is dismissed.”

* * *

Kakashi could almost see the weight lift off of Rin's shoulders as he led her out into the hallway. Her eyes were distant, her eyebrows knitted slightly. She was somewhere else. Probably planning her next move now that she knew she was no longer a fugitive.

"Rin?" A voice behind them snapped her out of her trance. They turned around and saw Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai standing in the doorway. Kurenai opened her mouth to speak again, but nothing came out. She was staring at Rin as if she was a ghost, and Kakashi knew the feeling well. 

"Hi," Rin said, swallowing. She took a careful step forward. "I..." she trailed off, and Kakashi could feel that she was disappointed with how awkward the reunion was. "I know you all probably have a lot of questions. And I just want you to know that I'm sorry." Her voice broke at the end of her sentence, and he fought the urge to go to her and comfort her. But she needed to do this by herself. 

No one moved. Then, ever so carefully, Kurenai moved towards Rin and put her arms around her, squeezing her tightly. Rin's small frame stiffened for a second, then returned the embrace. Kurenai squeezed her eyes shut and stroked Rin's hair as she held her childhood friend. "It's not your fault," Kurenai whispered. "None of this is your fault." 

Kakashi watched as Kurenai eventually let go of Rin, allowing Asuma and Gai to hug her, too. He saw the way her face brightened at Gai's overzealous declaration of the beauty of life. He watched her eyes widen in surprise when Asuma and Kurenai revealed to her that they were not only _together_ , but getting married. He saw her eyes sparkle as she glanced around at her friends while they talked. He smiled secretly to himself, happy to see her so happy. He liked seeing how her smile reached her eyes, and he knew that in the life of a shinobi, moments like these were rare. Happiness was always tainted somehow with the looming threat of danger and death. He wanted to protect it, the happiness she was feeling now, and make sure that it would last as long as possible.

“What do you say, Kakashi?” Kurenai asked.

”Hm?” He had stopped paying attention to the conversation.

”We’re going back to our place to celebrate,” Asuma explained.

He looked at his friends’ smiling faces, who were looking back at him in anticipation. “How could I say no?”

* * *

Kakashi couldn’t remember the last time he _genuinely_ had fun at one these gatherings. Of course, he’d never participate if he truly felt uncomfortable or unhappy, but he also never was able to fully enjoy himself.

Until now.

Until now, he realized, he had always felt like something was missing. His friends were like his family, but getting together with them always came with a void in his heart that he knew could not be filled.

He felt this way after Obito died, too. And he knew that Obito’s death had left a tiny hole in his heart that would never heal.

But with Rin, the hole seemed to never _begin_ to close. He could never fully accept her death, because it meant he would have to accept his role in it. It was almost like she had simply gone somewhere else, and wasn’t supposed to come back.

Yet here she was, right in front of his eyes, relaxed and a little loopy, but very happy after a few drinks. He noticed that when she laughed, she would close her eyes and throw her head back, her laughter consuming her entire body. 

She was by no means wasted, but certainly tipsy enough to get over the anxiety she was feeling earlier today. He watched her challenge Gai to an arm wrestling match and cry out for a rematch when he beat her almost instantly. He watched her go around to each of her friends and shout at them to drink water. He watched her flop on Kurenai’s lap and break out into laughter for no reason. 

She was happy. She was so happy to be here with her friends again, and he could tell her good spirits were contagious. He had been to enough of these gatherings to know that were held in vain efforts of keeping their group of friends together. But it was different now.

He sipped his own drink on the couch, enjoying the view of happy people surrounding him. It was almost like he was watching TV, momentarily forgetting that he was a part of the festivities, too—that is, until Rin flopped onto the seat next to him.

”Kakashi!” Her brown eyes widened comically and she said his name slowly, as if _he_ was the drunk one. “Have you had anything to eat? You need to eat if you’re gonna drink!” she insisted, grabbing his hand with a surprisingly strong grip and leading him to the kitchen counter. Typical Rin. Always taking care of people, even when she was intoxicated.

Grabbing a handful of chips, she thrusted her hand in front of his face. “Go on, eat!”

With a playful roll of his eyes, he decided to play along, lowering his mask to pluck a chip from her hand and put it in his mouth, chewing dramatically. “Happy?” he asked as he ate.

Something else seemed to catch her attention. Slowly, she lifted her hands and cupped his face with them. His skin warmed instantly at her touch. Had he really had that much to drink? 

She touched his face with a sense of carefulness, which was surprising, considering she was just wobbling around trying to walk. Her eyes bore into his and his heart sped up. The softness of her thumbs against his face made his head spin. He wasn’t used to being caught off guard, and since her return, he had found himself in that position more than he would have liked to. 

“Rin? What are you—”

She broke out of her trance as soon as he spoke. She took a piece of his cheek between her index finger and thumb and pinched lightly, smiling as she did so. “So handsome,” she remarked with a giggle.

”Ow,” Kakashi replied, feigning pain, still only slightly dazed by her touch.

”Rin!” Kurenai called from the next room. “Get over here!”

Excitedly, Rin bounced away from Kakashi and dashed into the living room, leaving him alone with his thoughts in the kitchen. He lifted a hand to touch his face. His skin was warm, undoubtedly because of the alcohol...

But what else? He couldn’t help but think about the feeling of her fingers on his face and the way her face being so close his made his heart race. How her golden eyes studied him so carefully he wondered if she could see past his eyes and look right into his soul.

He thought about how her lips looked, so soft, supple and rosy. Then he wondered how they would feel against his—

No. He couldn’t—he _wouldn’t_ think of her like that. She had just come back into his life, after facing what seemed to be hell on earth. He couldn’t ruin her second chance at life with whatever it was he was feeling. 

He was aware of her feelings for him when they were young. Frankly, he ignored them, as the little shit he was, believing them to be childish and silly. At that time, he believed that human connection was far less important than the mission at hand. After Obito died, he began to learn, ever so slowly, that he needed people, much to his chagrin.

Rin was there to help him. She was there to hold him when his nightmares got the best of him. She was there to sit in silence with him for hours because she knew that words were lost on him, but her presence alone was a comfort to him. She did all of this despite the fact that he rarely showed a shred of kindness towards her before Obito died. 

He began to need her, and became aware of his need for her. And though acknowledging it made him feel weak, it also allowed him to recognize _her_ need for him. So he began bringing her soup when he noticed that she hadn’t eaten. He would offer to train with her, developing a sense of patience that has been completely foreign to him. He would stand at her side as she cried in front of Obito’s grave. Sometimes he would take her hand to comfort her. He was thawing, and she seemed to have endless patience and understanding for him, even though he didn’t deserve it at all.

And when he lost her, his world crumbled.

After working for so long to let her bring him warmth and comfort, losing her left him empty and cold. There were times where he would sleep all day in hopes of being able to see her for a minute, or even a second, in his dreams. There were also times where he wouldn’t sleep for days, where the fear of being pulled away from her in a blissful dream overcame his exhaustion. The pain of losing her never seemed to fade over time, rather, he’d just learned to ignore it. But it was always there, looming over him, reminding him that he would never see her again.

In the small kitchen, he felt off balance, his mind whirling. Squeezing his eyes shut, he placed a hand against the counter to steady himself. _Remember why you’re here_ , he told himself. You’re here to celebrate Rin’s return. _She’s back. She’s really back_. 

Taking a few steps forward to lean against the doorway of the kitchen, his body relaxed when he saw her sitting on the living room couch. Rin was here, right in front of his eyes, smiling and laughing. His heart twisting in his chest, he decided right then and there that he would do anything to keep her in his life. She was far too important to let go of, and if he lost her again, he wasn’t sure what would happen to him.

Gai looked up from their conversation and met Kakashi’s eyes. Waving him over, he yelled, “Kakashi! Care to join us in some beer pong? Or are you afraid you’ll lose?” He waggled his impossibly thick eyebrows, and Kakashi couldn’t resist a playful roll of his eyes as he walked over to join the game.

Many, _many_ rounds of beer pong later, Kakashi found himself surrounded by bodies, sound asleep—for the most part. After putting pillows under Kurenai and Asuma’s heads and draping a throw blanket over Gai, Kakashi scanned the room. Where was Rin? 

He wasn’t sure why he felt nervous. It was a small apartment, surely she’d be around here somewhere...

He found her curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor. Instinctively, he ran to her side, kneeling to see if she was alright. She was asleep, alright. He ran the back of his finger over her cheek. Her skin was warm and flushed. 

Stirring at his touch, Rin opened her eyes slightly, squinting at the bright lights. “Kakashi,” she murmured, closing her eyes again. “I want to go home.” The energy he saw radiating from her had completely disappeared. Sure, she was definitely tired, but her spirit had diminished. 

With a nod, he carefully scooped her into his arms, taking a second to make sure he was stable enough to carry her. Despite Gai’s earlier boasting, Kakashi has turned out to be quite the beer pong player, and hadn’t had nearly as much to drink as he thought he would.

The cold air was sobering though, and he held Rin a little closer to him, trying to shield her from the breeze. Luckily, Jiraiya’s apartment was only a couple blocks away from Kurenai and Asuma’s place. 

As he approached the apartment complex where Rin was staying, he saw...something move past the streetlights. It easily could have been an animal, or something blowing in the wind, but his gut instructed him to be careful.

He was sorry to take a longer, alternative route to her place, but he wanted to be sure they weren’t being followed. He listened carefully, making sure to tread lightly to eliminate any noises he was making. No other rustling came. Somehow this didn’t make him feel better.

Finally, he made it to Rin’s small apartment, gently laying her on her bed and tucking her in under the blankets. She was fast asleep, and hadn’t even stirred when he fumbled with trying to open her front door and hold her at the same time. He touched her cheek, cold from the late night air. As she burrowed further under her blankets, he felt a little more at ease knowing she was home safe.

But who—or what was out there? He couldn’t be sure. Part of him wanted to go out there and see, but if someone was out there, he didn’t want to draw anymore attention to where they were. Besides, he was in no condition to investigate. 

Stepping into the living room and plopping himself on the couch, he found himself to be more exhausted than he thought. He considered pushing through his fatigue and going home, but a sense of uneasiness gnawed at him. It was probably nothing, the thing he saw—but just in case, he wanted to be near her, to be able to protect her from whatever harm was out there. As he slumped against the plushy surface of her couch, she was all he could think about as sleep slowly overtook his mind. 

_She said I was handsome._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry this took a bit long to publish, I had written half of this chapter and forgot to save! And trying to rewrite it all over again was a huge pain. I know it was a bit long winded, but I didn’t feel like separating it into two short chapters. So I hope you enjoyed this long-ish one!
> 
> I have a lot of ideas for where I want this story to go, and honestly, I'm considering splitting the story into separate books, to kind of organize the story a little better. Do you prefer to read stories that happen over the course of multiple books, or do you like the ones that are around 40+ chapters long? Let me know in the comments! Hope you all are enjoying the story so far, and thank you for reading :)


	4. Shake

Kakashi woke up the sound of a scream.

Sitting up so quickly it made his head rush, he bolted to Rin's bedroom. _Please be okay. Please be okay._ He found her sitting upright, her knees pulled up her chest, rubbing at her eyes. He could see her back move up and down with every deep breath she took, and a small wave of relief washed over him. _She's safe_.

The sun had just risen, the small pockets of light entering her bedroom allowed him to see her still form on the bed, but she still cast a long shadow that reached the doorway.

The sound of her shaky exhales echoed in the tiny room. Appearing to still be in whatever nightmare had woken her up, she hadn't acknowledged his presence, and it was very possible she didn't even notice he was there. 

"Rin?" he said softly, coming to sit on the bed in front of her. He wanted so badly to reach out to her, but wasn't completely sure if that would be okay with her. He didn't want to make her feel unsafe. "It's okay, it's okay. You're okay." Carefully, he reached forward and gently removed her hands from her face. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Rin let him take her hands from her eyes, revealing a pained expression. She nodded, swallowing. She looked like she was on the verge of tears again, and Kakashi smoothed his thumbs over her wrists in a vain attempt to comfort her. 

"It's okay," she reasoned. It seemed as though she was speaking to herself, rather than him. "They'll stop eventually," she mumbled.

"How... how often does this happen?" he inquired, noting the slight alarm in his voice. He remembered the periods in his life when he'd been _afraid_ to go to sleep, preferring to live with the exhaustion than face whatever horrible images his subconscious was trying to show him. He understood how she felt, and he wanted nothing more than to make those nightmares end for her.

"It's not too bad," she answered, not fully answering his question. Her eyes shifted, avoiding his eyes. "Did you sleep on the couch last night?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. I brought you home and was just so tired, I didn't think I could make it home," he lied, not wanting to tell her about what or who he saw the night before. He would keep a more careful eye from now on, but for now, there was no use in scaring her over something he wasn't even completely sure existed. "Do you want me to leave?"

She shook her head, a small pool of tears welling up again in her eyes. He was still holding her hands. Whatever dangers that were looming outside of her apartment could wait for now. At that moment, she was the only thing on his mind, the only thing that mattered to him. 

He let go, reaching for her and pulling her to his chest. She clung to him almost immediately, burying her face in the crook of his neck. She was trembling in his arms, and he tightened his embrace a little to steady her. He cradled the back of her head with his hand and ran his fingers through her soft, chocolate colored hair, to remind her that she was safe with him, that whatever terrible dreams had plagued her sleep could not reach her anymore. 

"I'm scared that they'll find me," she murmured against him. "I woke up and I couldn't recognize where I was. I thought they had finally found me, I thought they had taken me away." Her voice was uneven and quiet, and Kakashi leaned his cheek against the top of her head, closing his eyes. Her words sent a chill through his body. The thought of her getting taken away again shook him to his core. 

"That's not going to happen," he assured her. "I won't let them take you away again, Rin." Guilt pulsed through his heart. He'd made that promise before, and lost her for a decade. But he would not lose her again. He was smarter now, and stronger. He could protect her now. 

She didn't answer him, but her body relaxed against his, and he took that as a sign that she believed him. He held her a little tighter, grateful for her trust.

They stayed in the same position until he noticed that she had fallen asleep. Her body gradually relaxed, suddenly becoming limp against him when sleep finally overcame her. Careful not to wake her, he laid her head down on the pillow and pulled the blankets up to her chin. There was no sign of anguish in her features, only temporary peace.

He settled back onto the couch, his body relaxing in bliss as he closed his eyes. He, too, has experienced some trouble when it came to sleeping these past few nights. He was lulled quite quickly into a deep slumber, the scent of lavender sending waves of calm throughout his body.

* * *

Waking up feeling somewhat refreshed, Rin sat up in bed and stretched her arms. The sunlight pouring in from the window greeted her as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, the wooden floor cold against her feet.

The sound of a soft snore coming from the living room quickly reminded her of last night’s events. Stopping abruptly at the door leading to the living room, she cringed as she recalled everything that happened. She hadn’t meant to drink so much, and she felt embarrassed that Kakashi had seen her so... out of it.

And to make matters worse, he’d seen her after the nightmare had woken her up. Of course, she knew he wouldn’t judge her or think less of her, but she still felt this small sense of humiliation in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to appear weak, especially not in front of him. 

Crossing the living room as quietly as she could to get to the bathroom, she glanced at Kakashi’s sleeping form on the couch. The small loveseat was certainly not enough room for the copy nin’s long legs, so he was curled up in a ball, hugging a cushion. His mask was pulled down, and Rin couldn’t help but smile a little. He really was handsome.

Somehow, waking up and knowing that he was sleeping in the next room made her feel a little more at ease. Waking up had become somewhat of an ordeal since returning to Konoha. There was generally a lot of coaxing herself out of bed, and making sure to check under her bed before allowing herself to let her guard down.

After getting herself ready for the day, she decided to make him some breakfast for his troubles. She was in the kitchen frying some eggs when she heard a smooth voice over the sizzling sounds of the pan: “Good morning.”

She turned her head to see Kakashi lazily leaning against the doorway of the kitchen. His mask was still pulled down to his neck, leaving his angular face uncovered. He was staring at the eggs on the stove, and his curious expression told Rin he was very, very interested in having some.

She laughed at his expression, enjoying the fact that it was uncovered by his mask. “Are you hungry, Kakashi?”

“No,” he lied, his stomach growling loudly as soon as he said it. She saw a small blush emerge on his cheeks and she laughed again, shaking her head. He seemed a little embarrassed, and surely he was aware of how he couldn’t hide behind his mask. But he made no effort to pull it back up, and she was glad.

”They’ll be ready soon,” she assured him, and his head perked up in response. “Also, there’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom cupboard.”

He nodded, giving her a small, but eye creasing smile. “Thanks.”

Shortly after, they sat together at the small, round kitchen table, the delicious smell of eggs wafting through the room. They dug in, barely saying a word, their stomachs begging for nourishment.

”How are you feeling?” Kakashi asked suddenly, looking up from his eggs. His Sharingan was spinning, and his gray eye stared at her lazily.

“Okay,” she said, spooning food into her mouth quickly to avoid having to say more. She felt his eyes on her, and even if she knew his Sharingan couldn’t read her mind, she found herself avoiding his red eye warily. Although, finally taking the time to see his Sharingan in action, she couldn’t help but feel a small twinge of pride in knowing that her operation had been successful.

Her eyes scanned his uncovered face, a sight she hadn’t actually seen yet since returning. Without his headband to hold it back into place, Kakashi’s silver hair stuck out wildly in all different directions. He looked so similar, but so _different_ at the same time. He still had the same eyes, the same small, pointed nose. His lips were slightly thin and were currently pressed into a tiny smile as she studied his features. His angular jawline and prominent cheekbones distinguished his older face from the younger one that Rin had last seen. And of course, he still had that small beauty mark on his chin. 

He really was a handsome man. And she couldn’t believe he was sitting right across from her, smirking at her. He was her best friend, her teammate. And he had grown over the years, just as she had, and she was grateful that she got to see him. 

”What are you looking at?” Kakashi asked, his thin, gray eyebrows raising in curiosity.

She smiled sheepishly, realizing she’d probably gotten so lost in her thoughts that she’d stopped talking altogether. “Nothing,” she answered, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. “I’m just really glad you’re here with me.”

* * *

Kakashi’s fingers were still tingling as he stood alongside the other jounin of Konoha before the Hokage later that day. However, the severity of the Hokage's message quickly grabbed his attention.

"People have been disappearing from different villages," Hiruzen stated solemnly. The jounin in the room were adept at hiding their shock, but an obvious and heavy tension suddenly filled the room. "Not just civilians. Ninja as well. Disappeared without a trace." Kakashi stiffened, the thought of an unknown threat triggering a defensive instinct in him. 

"Have any bodies been found?" Asuma asked.

The Hokage nodded. "Only two. Both civilians, from the Land of Fire. They were found completely drained of blood. Because only two have been found, it's difficult to say if they were taken and killed by the same person." Hiruzen frowned slightly. "There are more detailed reports in the briefings. For now, I simply wanted to bring this to your attention. Keep your guards up. There's little to no information about any possible suspects, so keep your suspicions high." He nodded. "Dismissed."

Filing out of the office with the rest of the jounin, briefing paperwork in hand, Kakashi's mind was racing, filled with curiosity as to what or who the unknown threat could be. Glancing at the reports, he saw that the victims were in their mid 20s—around his age, actually. Their medical reports showed no signs of prior illness, actually both seemed to be the picture of health before their untimely deaths, so nothing that would make them _especially_ vulnerable to attack. 

_They were found completely drained of blood_. Despite all the horror he had seen in his life as a Shinobi, the thought of what could have happened to those people gave him chills. He couldn't imagine what purpose that large amount of blood would serve, or who would even need it. He tightened his grip on the papers in his hand, remembering the strange figure he had seen looming around Rin's apartment the night before. He wasn't sure if it was related to the new case, but regardless, he still needed to keep his guard up for both.

"Kakashi!" He looked over to his shoulder to see Gai jogging up towards him, wearing an unusually serious look on his face. 

"What do you think this could be?" Gai asked, holding up his own copy of the reports for emphasis. "Their bodies were completely drained of blood... I've never heard of anything like this before."

Kakashi shrugged. "Haven't got a clue. And it's hard to gather any leads from only two bodies. It could also be a coincidence... a very, very strange coincidence."

"Thirty three people have disappeared in the last six months." Gai shook his head angrily. "How long until it's people from Konoha that are disappearing?"

"We'll just have to be on high alert," Kakashi replied calmly, hoping his words would not only reassure his friend, but also himself. "We won't let them get us here." 

Gai's posture relaxed, though his face still remained contorted in slight frustration. "That's our job," he stated with his normal grandeur. "We must protect the citizens of Konoha with our very lives!" he added, shaking his fist in the air.

Kakashi scoffed, though he was amused by his old friend's constant supply of energy and vigor. "That's right, Gai." But, he also couldn't help but want to challenge Gai, out of instinct. "Bet you I can find the killer before you do," he added flippantly.

Gai's thick eyebrows furrowed in determination at the challenge. "You're on!"

* * *

The sound of pounding startled Rin as she cleaned up the dishes. For a second, she froze, unable to move. Instinctively, her hand moved to the kunai strapped to her thigh, running her fingers against the metal to reassure herself that it was there.

Ever so slowly, she moved to the front door, looking through the peephole to see who it was, holding her breath.

But she immediately relaxed. Anko came into view, arms crossed impatiently. Rin’s heart soared at the sight of her old friend, and she swung the door open to greet her.

“Hey. Where the hell have you been?” Anko asked gruffly, obviously wanting to blow past any sort of emotional reunion. For anyone else, it'd be strange to just barge in. But it was Anko, after all. And after so many years without Anko, Rin was glad to see that she hadn't changed a bit. She pushed past Rin and made her way into the living room. Flopping on the couch, she sighed. “I mean, we for sure thought you were dead. I’m glad you’re not—but I just can’t believe you’re here.”

”Yeah, tell me about it,” Rin agreed, sitting beside her. “Sometimes I think this is all a big dream and I’ll wake up and be back _there_.” 

"Where exactly is _there_?" Anko asked, turning her head to look at Rin, who was staring at her lap. 

"The Sound Village," Rin answered quietly. She was hesitant to tell her friend that the person behind her terrible living conditions for the past ten years was none other than Orochimaru, Anko's old mentor.

Anko's eyes widened, her face revealing a serious expression that Rin had never seen before. Her light brown eyes darkened and she pressed her lips together to form a thin line. "I see," she replied sharply.

Rin didn't respond, almost intimidated by the sudden darkening of Anko's mood. The last time she had spoken to Anko, they had still been genin—although since returning to Konoha, her friends had filled her on Anko’s at best _tumultuous_ relationship with her mentor.

"Did... did he hurt you?" Anko’s hard expression changed to something soft and concerning in a way that both warmed Rin’s heart and terrified her.

”He tried,” Rin answered with a weak smile, not wanting to elaborate.

”Bastard,” Anko grumbled, crossing her arms with a huff. “I swore that the next time I saw him, I’d kill him on the spot, but now I think I’ll have to drag it out a little.”

Rin gave a tight lipped smile, unsure of whether or not Anko was trying to lighten the mood with a joke.

“So what are you gonna do now?” Anko turned her head to look at Rin and raise an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

”Are you going to keep training? Become a jounin or something?”

”I don’t know. I think I would like to train to get to that point but I don’t know if I could train students or anything...” Rin thought for a second. “Maybe get a job at the hospital.” 

“Hmm,” Anko hummed, seeming surprised. “I thought maybe you wouldn’t wanna work at the hospital since that’s all you’ve been doing for the last ten years.”

Rin shrugged weakly. “I enjoy healing and I’m good at it. It would be nice to be able to do so knowing that they wouldn’t be healed just to be experimented on again,” she said drily. 

Anko nodded. “That’s fair.” Quickly, she stood up from the couch and headed towards the door, a determinative quality to her stance. Once she reached the door, she turned to look at Rin. “You coming?”

”What? Where are we going?”

”To find you a job,” Anko replied, seeming slightly annoyed that Rin was not on the same wavelength. “Get dressed, look a little presentable.”

Slightly confused, Rin obeyed, and met her friend at the front door a few minutes later. “What would you have done if I had just followed you outside in my pajamas?”

”I would’ve bonked you on the head for having a silly brain,” Anko replied matter-of-factly, which Rin couldn’t help but laugh at.

As they strolled through the streets, the sun warm on Rin’s skin, the hustle and bustle sounds of the streets music to her ears, she felt a sense of contentment wash over her suddenly. This was her life now.

Suddenly she felt Anko squeeze her wrist.

“For what it’s worth,” Anko said, looking straight ahead. “I missed you a lot. I’m glad that bastard Kakashi sucks at killing people and you’re alive because of it. And I’m glad you’re back.”

Rin smiled at her friend. She hugged Anko’s arm, busting out in laughter at the way Anko squirmed when she did it. “Me too, Anko.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I'm so sorry that it's been so long. I was going through somewhat of a difficult time, so I haven't found very much time to write. I hope to be able to regularly update this story in the future, and thank you to everyone who has been reading and leaving comments/kudos! :)


	5. Further

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Once again, I am SO sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. Life has been crazy busy these past few months, so please know that if my updates are slow, it won't be because I've given up on this story. I definitely will still be updating until the very end! Thank you to everyone who has been leaving super kind comments and kudos~!
> 
> A quick *WARNING*: the beginning part of this chapter MAY be a little graphic. Please read at your own discretion and take care of yourselves!

Before Anko and Rin could even enter the hospital, there appeared to be some sort of commotion near the front doors. A large crowd came into view, most of them jounin, identifiable by the vests with the Konoha symbol on the back. A few civilians also hovered around, probably out of morbid curiosity.

Rin, whose instinct was to hide, looked over her shoulder to identify a clear escape route. Meanwhile, Anko, whose instinct was to get to the bottom of it, grabbed Rin by the arm and dragged her friend through the crowd of people until they got to the middle.

Rin’s heart sank at the sight.

A young woman laid on the ground before them. She was muscular, with sleek brown hair and tan skin (that was now clammy and grey-ish, anyway). Bruises covered her skin. And she was unconscious, lying in a pool of blood. 

_What happened to her?_ Too busy examining the body to notice that he was there in the first place, Rin was suprised to see Kakashi pushing through the crowd on the opposite side.

“Anko,” Kakashi said, his smooth yet firm voice abruptly interrupting Rin’s thoughts. “Get her out of here. Civilians shouldn’t see this.”

Though she was slightly taken aback at being referred to as a “civilian,” a force within her awakened, giving her the strength to push through the crowd and kneel beside the body. Gently placing two fingers on the inside of the woman's arm, Rin could sense _something_ there, something was flowing through this woman's veins.

Chakra. There was still chakra left in her. 

"She's still alive," Rin said out loud, not to anyone in particular. Ignoring the sounds of protest around her, she got to work. She cradled the woman's hand in her lap, concentrating, bringing her own chakra to central points in the middle of her palms. She willed her chakra to flow gradually from her own veins, and transfer into the woman's. Simultaneously, Rin also searched for a wound, following the chakra through the woman's body, looking to feel some sort of abnormality. 

And then she felt it. And it was so hard and sharp that Rin herself gasped when her chakra reached it, and once it did, she knew exactly what it was.

Towards the back of the woman's neck was... something clouded in chakra too strong for Rin's to push through. On the surface of the woman's skin, she felt a deep, long cut over that area, a superficial wound. Working quickly, Rin gently lifted the woman's shoulder, revealing the deep gash over the side of her neck, eliciting a gasp from the crowd.

"Rin," Kakashi started, lunging forward and kneeling on the other side of the woman, obviously hoping to stop her. "Rin..." She didn't hear what came after that. Focusing first on the area surrounding the gash, she summoned chakra to her bloodied fingertips, sending some inside the wound to heal infection, and the rest on the outside, gradually closing the wound. Because it was such a large wound, it took quite a bit of time and chakra to close, but Rin managed to do it eventually. 

Even though the task was so physically draining, it was certainly the most powerful Rin had felt in a while... To push her own energy out of her body and channel it so that it could enter someone else’s was both the most exhausting and exhilarating feeling.

But when it was over, she slumped backwards, Anko luckily catching her before she hit the ground. Her fingers and toes tingled, and she suddenly felt like she hadn’t eaten in days. Through heavy eyes, Rin could see the subtle rise and fall of the woman's chest as Kakashi stared in disbelief. Looking up at Rin and back down at the woman, and gently lifting the woman into his arms, Kakashi asked, "Are you alright? Can you hear me?" 

A subtle nod of the woman's head was all that was needed. In a second, a swarm of jounin and medics surrounded her, moving into the hospital until they were all gone, and all that was left was the blood staining the pavement. A feeling of relief washed over Rin, along with the feeling that she had done her job. And with that, she gave into the exhaustion, closing her eyes.

* * *

Rushing through the wings of the hospital, Kakashi scanned the faces of people he passed, looking for Anko. He had done his duty as a jounin to make sure to woman outside had made it to safety, but he couldn't stop thinking about Rin nearly passing out in Anko's arms.

His mind was racing a million miles a minute, and he had so many questions—about the woman, about Rin. But right now, his questions didn't matter. He just needed to know she was okay. 

Passing by a room, he caught a flash of Anko's violet hair. He entered the room, relieved to see Rin sitting up in a bed, looking a bit weak, but fine for the most part. He seemed to have interrupted a tense conversation between the two. 

He held his hand up, giving an apologetic grin. "Ah, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. Just wanted to make sure you were alright."

Rin opened her mouth to answer, but Anko cut her off: "Could you _please_ tell her how stupid it was of her to do that? She could've died!" Though there was anger in her voice, Kakashi could see the concern in Anko's eyes, fueling the intensity of her words. 

"I didn't die, Anko," Rin protested quietly. "I'm okay, you heard the doctor say so." 

"She nearly slit her own throat, and she was badly beaten, too!" Anko exclaimed. "How on _Earth_ did you think you'd be able to take that on?"

Rubbing her temples, Rin closed her eyes tightly. "Anko, please..." she strained, and hearing the exhaustion in her voice, Kakashi felt it was his time to intervene. 

"Anko, come on. Take a few minutes and calm down." Taking Anko by the shoulders and leading her out of the room, resisting her verbal and physical protests until he could close the door, leaving him and Rin alone.

He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, while Rin's eyes remained closed, still clutching her head between her hands. After a beat, she gave a quick, short laugh. “I’ve got about ten years’ worth of being told off to make up for, don’t I?” 

Kakashi gave her an eye creasing smile, pleased to see her spirits somewhat high still.

"Thank you," she said with a sigh. Opening her eyes to look at him, she spoke again. "Is she okay?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yeah. They're letting her rest a bit before they, uh... interrogate her." 

"Interrogate her?" Rin asked, furrowing her eyebrows. "What did she do wrong?"

"Maybe interrogate's not the right word. _Question_ might be better." 

"Oh," Rin relaxed against the pillows, not looking completely satisfied. Her lips were pressed together in a thin line, obviously lost in thought. "I don't suppose you could tell me what happened to her once you all find out, could you?" 

"Afraid not," he answered regrettably. Ten years ago, she was a shinobi. Now that she was back, it was unclear where she stood... though Kakashi believed she could never be a spy, she still wasn't authorized to know classified information, what with the string of murders that was happening.

"There was something strange..." Rin mumbled, and Kakashi was unsure if she was speaking to him or simply talking out loud. Her arms were folded, her fingers gripping her arms, nails digging into the skin. 

"Rin?" He moved closer to her, cautiously. She didn't seem to register him moving towards her at all, her expression remaining unchanged. Gently, he lifted her hands up slightly, revealing short angry red lines lining her forearms. The look in her eyes told him she was haunted by... something. 

"Rin," he tried again, running the pads of his thumbs gently over her fingers in a meek attempt to snap her out of her trance. "Talk to me. What is it?"

Her bottom lip shuddered, and her eyes darted away from him. "I don't know, Kakashi. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

He had the sense that something about the woman had reminded Rin of her time in the Sound Village, but felt like pushing her to talk would be somewhat of a betrayal, especially after establishing that he could tell her nothing, really.

“Okay,” he conceded, deciding not to push. “It’s okay. Just...”

Just what? _Just talk to me when you need me. Just know that I will protect you no matter what. Just tell me what’s wrong_. He understood the secrecy of his job, which was a necessity to ensure the safety of the village and its citizens, Rin included. But he also understood that he needed to trust her, so that she could trust him again. Everything he’d ever learned at a shinobi had instructed him to do the opposite, since the best shinobi trusted no one... right?

He continued, and she was meeting his gaze as he did. “Things are different now. And I know that you and I are different now. And... I don’t know. After so long, I guess I understand if you don’t trust me completely. But I want you to know that I’ll work to gain your trust again.”

Her fingers curled around his fingertips. “It’s not that I don’t trust you enough to tell you how I feel, _I_ don’t even know how I feel.” Her thumb grazed gently against his gloved knuckles, sending a slight shiver through his spine. “Besides, you never lost my trust in the first place.” She gave him a small smile, her beautiful eyes shining as his heart ached in his chest. He’d never been so grateful for his mask.

”Kakashi?” Her voice was soft.

”Hmm?”

”Do you... trust _me_?” Her smile quickly disappeared, and was replaced with a slightly uneasy expression. She fiddled slightly with the fabric on his gloves. “After everything, I mean,” she added, with a hint of shame.

 _After everything,_ he had gone back and forth. There were times that he’d painted her as some kind of martyr, someone who was full of courage and bravery to die for her village (in a way, he still believed this to be true... but then again, she could still be courageous and brave _and_ alive, right?). And there were other times that he’d been so angry at her, so angry that she would leave him, and so angry that _he_ had to be the one to kill her. Those times, he convinced himself that she had betrayed him, and that brought him a great deal of pain. But most of the time, he blamed himself. But she wasn't asking about him. 

Looking at her now, sitting on her hospital bed, holding his hands, he couldn’t help but see her die all over again. As overjoyed as he was to be able to be here with her, he could never forget what he had done. His heart felt like it was on the verge of explosion. The overwhelming pain, now combined with an immense _fear_ , of losing her was starting to overcome his senses. But the warmth of her hands on his exposed fingertips brought him back to reality, back to her. 

When they were young, he had trusted her not to leave him. Now he needed to figure out if he trusted her to not disappear again, to stay with him, hell, to stay _alive_ at the very least, even if it was selfish. But if that happened, he knew he wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain of losing her a second time. But, even through seemingly impossible circumstances, she made her way back to him, with only love and warmth in her heart, even after he had done something so, so terrible. 

Hatake Kakashi was not a gambler. But getting even another second of her was worth the risk of losing her again, and the insurmountable amount of pain that would come with it.

”Of course I trust you, Rin,” he answered simply, and his heart warmed at the way she brightened at his reply. “I’m sorry if I haven’t shown you that.”

She shook her head. “No! No, it’s not that at all. I was just curious, is all... it’s been hard to tell how everyone feels about me since coming back. Like they don’t know what to do with me.”

”Well, what do you _want_ to do?”

She pressed her lips together, thinking. “I want to train again. I want to be stronger than I was when we were kids. I don’t want healing to be the only thing I can do, and I’ve been doing _that_ for years anyway.” 

He wanted to say that she was much stronger than she gave herself credit for, but he knew what she meant. “Okay. If you want to train, I’ll train with you.”

Her eyes widened. “Huh? Really? How is that going to work?” 

He almost chuckled at the surprised look on her face. “Well, don’t worry. I don’t plan to have us wrestle each other into the ground on the first day, of course. We’ll start out slow, establish what you know and what you need to know, and go from there.”

”Wow,” Rin leaned back against the pillows, an amused smirk on her face. “This all sounds very real and legitimate.”

”It could be, but only if you want it,” he drawled. “Besides, not to flaunt my credentials or anything but this _is_ my job, anyway. But I am a teacher without a student right now, unfortunately.”

”That’s tragic.”

”Right? You’d be doing _me_ a favor by accepting this offer, really.” This earned a wide smile from her. “So what do you say?”

“Will I have to call you sensei?”

”Oh, God, no.”

She squeezed his fingers. “Okay,” she said brightly. “Let’s do it.”


	6. Million Miles

“So,” Kakashi clapped his hands together. He and Rin were sitting in a field, on their third week of their training regimen. “You’re obviously skilled at ninjutsu. What about genjutsu?” 

“Genjutsu? I don’t know,” Rin answered—truthfully, it seemed. “It was hard to learn it in the Sound Village—they didn’t exactly want us to put illusions up. But I want to learn. I want to be good at it.”

He had seen this eagerness in her ever since they started training. This determination, the fire in her eyes, didn’t feel new by any means. It had always been inside her, the desire to improve and be better.

He wondered why everyone, including his younger self at times, had always imagined that she was demure and mellow. There was nothing mellow about her, really, he began to notice. There had always been a fire in her that never burnt out, and he could clearly see that now.

Probably because she spent more time learning rather than dicking around like he and Obito always did.

”Well, the good news is, it’ll be easier for you to break through genjutsu since you’re good at controlling chakra.” Rin sat up a little straighter, brightening at his compliment. He smirked under his mask. “And because genjutsu attacks your five senses, you’ve just got to identify where it’s heading, and stop its flow through your body.”

She nodded. “I’ve broken out of it a few times... It was difficult but definitely doable.” She pressed her lips together slightly and looked down at the grass, gently rubbing a blade between her thumb and index finger.

As much as he wanted to ask, he didn’t pry. “Have you ever tried it yourself?”

She shook her head. “Maybe when we were genin and had to practice, but I haven’t done it since. I’m a bit rusty.”

”Try it on me,” he offered.

”What?” She whipped her head to look at him in disbelief. “Would it even work with your Sharingan?”

”It would work, I would just see it coming head of time. I can even invade other people’s senses to protect them from it, too. Maybe _invade_ is too intense of a word.” 

She was staring intensely at his headband, which was covering his Sharingan at the moment. “That’s a handy trick,” she mused. “Can I see it?”

He lifted it up for her, opening his left eye for her. 

His senses were overwhelmed, seeing her so close with both eyes. The way her eyes looked golden in the sun, the way she slightly bit her lip out of either excitement or nervousness (or maybe both), the way her eyebrows were slightly furrowed, which they did when she was trying to be careful. She was so beautiful.

She leaned towards him, ever so gently touching the scar around his eye with her thumb. He was blinking a lot, he had never felt so exposed in his life. 

“Can’t believe you let a kid operate on you,” she murmured, her beautiful eyes creasing as she grinned. Her fingers continued to gently stroke the scar, sending electricity down his spine. “I’m glad it worked... even after all this time...”

”Well, I trusted that kid with my life,” he answered simply. “I never got to really thank her for it.”

The lightest blush ran across her cheeks as he said it. He wanted so badly to reach out and run the backs of his fingers over it, to feel the slight heat under his skin.

“Well, I think she knew how you felt about it,” she said, gently closing his eye and pulling his headband back down over it. 

“So, how ‘bout it?” he asked. “Try genjutsu. Do your worst.”

”Well, what do you want to see?”

He was so shocked by her question he couldn’t help but laugh. “Rin, it’s an attack, shouldn’t you practice as if I were an enemy?”

She lightly smacked his shoulder, rolling her eyes. “Of course I know that. I have a wild imagination, I don’t think I need to practice dreaming up punishments for evil people, Kakashi. It’s just the process of the jutsu that I’m unfamiliar with.”

”Fair, fair,” he conceded. “Hmm. I never dreamed I’d be in this situation where I got to pick. Can you put me in _Icha Icha Paradise_?”

“Something tells me anything I show you will pale in comparison to whatever you’ve got in your own twisted mind,” she teased.

”You’re absolutely right,” he replied, and she scoffed.

What _did_ he want to see? He was a little surprised that he was taking her question so seriously, but he felt more surprised that he genuinely wasn’t so sure. 

He could ask to see his dad... or Sensei, or even Obito. But it felt awkward to ask her to show them to him, after all, her memories of them were just as good as his. Then he thought of something.

”Show me,” he began carefully, “what you can’t tell me.”

She froze at his words and he immediately regretted saying it. “Why do you want to see that? Besides, I already told you about my time there, didn’t I?” she asked, her voice even—almost _too_ even. Her eyes darted away, avoiding his gaze. 

“It’s not out of some sick curiosity, I just...” He sighed, his heart sinking at her reaction. He hadn’t meant to strike such a nerve and was sorry he didn’t think it through a little more. “I just want to know how I can help you.”

”You don’t have to help me,” she replied, her words wavering slightly. The warmth she normally exuded was disappeared in a second, and she seemed paler, colder, emptier. As if her spirit had gone, leaving a shell behind.

“I _want_ to help you,” he said earnestly. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to struggle with this alone—”

”I’m not,” she insisted, and her eyes seemed to water a little then. “I’m not struggling with anything, I just don’t want to revisit it, that’s all.” Then she took a deep breath, rubbing her eyes. “Sorry. I don’t want to snap at you. I’m just getting used to being back and adjusting has been hard.” She looked up at him with genuine guilt and he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms until the guilt left her. 

“Rin—”

”Kakashi!” A gruff voice called out a few yards away from them. Asuma. Kakashi turned around to see his friend jogging up to them. Asuma gave a quick nod to Rin once he reached them. “Hi, Rin. Sorry to interrupt.”

”It’s okay,” she said. “Is everything okay?”

”Yes... and no,” Asuma glanced at Kakashi. “Impromptu Jounin meeting. That lady that collapsed in front of the hospital a few weeks ago has information for us.”

”Information?” Kakashi asked. “I thought you questioned her the day she collapsed.” In his periphery he could see Rin stiffen slightly.

Asuma shook his head. “She was belligerent that day. Understandably so, considering what had been done to her body... But she took time to recover and now she’s ready to talk to us.”

Kakashi nodded. Though he understood the importance of talking to that woman, he didn’t want to leave Rin on such a tense note. 

”I think,” Rin began, standing quickly. “we should call it a day. I’m starting at the hospital tomorrow, so I should go home and get some rest.” She gave Kakashi an uneasy smile, to try and reassure him, to tell him he had nothing to worry about. But of course, he worried.

He got to his feet and faced her, now towering over her. “Alright. Good luck tomorrow. I’ll see you next week?”

She nodded, giving him a sweet—but somewhat forced?—smile. “Yep. Thanks for today.” He slightly raised his eyebrows and she gave a brief shake of her head, as if to shake away the tension they had both experienced moments ago. “Bye, Asuma.”

”Bye, Rin. See you around,” Asuma replied. They watched her walk away, and when she was out of earshot, he asked, “Did you guys fight or something?”

Kakashi didn’t answer right away, because he wasn’t sure of the answer himself. He could tell she wanted to brush it off but he couldn’t ignore the weight he felt in his heart. “Not exactly.”

* * *

Rin collapsed on her bed as soon as she got home. She felt like crying, but she also felt numb. Hugging a pillow to her chest, she replayed her and Kakashi’s conversation over and over again in her mind. 

_I don’t want you to feel like you have to struggle with this alone._

The Kakashi she had known years ago would have never said something like that out loud. She had always tried to get him to open up, to be more vulnerable, yet it was her who was shutting down and running away. Had he really changed that much? Had _she_ really changed that much?

She wasn’t sure how to reconcile the Kakashi she remembered with the Kakashi she was just getting to know all over again. In some ways he was still the same; he was still stoic and strong and funny and dedicated and terribly intelligent. He was her first love. 

It seemed like he had changed for the better. But it seemed like she had changed for the worse. Everything she experienced left her feeling broken beyond repair. Perhaps that’s how he had felt for so long, too. 

He wanted to help her and a part of her wanted to _be_ helped, but the memories of the Sound Village still sat heavy in her mind like a pile of bricks. She had wanted to be helped, to be supported, to be loved in the past, and that want had come back to punish her tenfold.

Her eyes welled up with hot tears at the thought of Kakashi in that situation. With a harsh rub at her face she decided then that she wouldn’t burden him. She refused to put him in danger again. 

As much as she had been enjoying the time they’d spent training together, she wondered if her participation was simply a vain attempt at ignoring reality. When she trained with Kakashi, she could easily pretend that things were normal, that her life had always been this way. Her thoughts and behavior felt erratic—she wanted to scold herself for going back and forth between keeping her guard up and letting it down. But it felt so easy to relax, especially around Kakashi. He made her feel more safe and secure than she had ever felt in her life. And it wasn’t just because he was protective, he made her _happy_. Being with him pulled her away from the horrible past and kept her in the present. 

Of course, that was all well and good. But the painful memories and the insidious fear building inside her made it pretty difficult to enjoy any of that.

With an audible sigh, she hugged the pillow tighter. Though she had been lying down for a while, the rumination depleted her energy quickly. She wasn’t sure how long she had laid on her bed, but when she was snapped back to the present, the sun had gone down, and there was a rapt knock at her door.

Tiptoeing out of her bedroom and towards her entry way, she peered through the peephole, slightly trembling. She breathed a sigh of relief, only seeing Kurenai, holding a little box.

”Did you just wake up?” Kurenai’s red eyes began to scan her as soon as the door was opened.

Rin shook her head. “No, I was just resting.”

Rin led her friend into the living room, and they sat on the couch together, a palpable awkwardness lingering in the air around them.

”How are you?” Kurenai asked, gently placing the box on the coffee table. “How has training with Kakashi been? He hasn’t been too much of a hard ass, has he?”

Rin laughed. “Training’s been good,” she replied, conveniently ignoring the first part of her friend’s question, “Kakashi has been as lovely as ever.”

Kurenai gave a playful scoff. “The last word I’d use to describe him is _lovely_.” Her presence was so comfortable and familiar to Rin that it made Rin want to collapse in her arms and sob and tell her everything that had been weighing on her mind lately. 

“Something happened during training today,” Rin said quietly. 

“What? What happened?”

So Rin repeated what happened and when she was done, Kurenai sighed and mumbled, “I wouldn’t call him lovely, I think I’d call him stupid.”

“I don’t think he was trying to _be_ stupid,” Rin said weakly.

“Yeah, but he also could’ve asked, like, a million other ways, couldn't he?” Kurenai paused. “Was it hard for you when he brought that up? Did it bring back bad memories?”

The tenderness in her voice brought tears to Rin’s eyes and she blinked them away quickly, while nodding. “I just don’t know what I’m doing,” she admitted. “I want to move on. But I’m scared that they’ll come back for me and take me away.” Her hands shook in her lap until Kurenai put hers on top to steady them. “I don’t want him to get hurt—or anyone—because of me.”

Kurenai squeezed her hand gently. “I‘m sorry. I had no idea you felt that way. I’ll admit, I was shocked to see how well you were doing. You had always been able to bounce back quickly when we were young... or maybe it just seemed that way.” She bit her lip, seeming regretful. “You’re safe here. This is your home, this is where you belong. We will protect you from them, Rin.”

Though Rin slightly resented being so weak that she would _need_ protection, she gave a grateful smile. 

“Actually, there’s something I need to tell you,” Kurenai started. “That lady, the one you healed who collapsed in front of the hospital, came to Konoha from the Sound Village. And the reason she came was because she was looking for you.”

Rin felt her blood turn cold. “How did she know I’m alive?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

”She came on a hunch. She said that everyone else tried to tell her you were dead but she couldn’t believe it. No one believed her, anyway, so she ran away—I don’t know how she got so far without getting caught, though. She asked to speak to you, Rin.”

”Wh-why?”

”Your guess is as good as mine.” Kurenai shook her head. “We could barely get her to tell us her name at first, she said yours so much we thought she was either trying to impersonate you or that she happened to have the same name.” She scoffed. Then she pressed her lips together, forming a serious line. “I know this is the last thing you want to do right now,” she said in the low voice. “But I think she’s scared, and alone right now. She looks like she escaped from something terrible.”

Rin closed her eyes, as if that would make her feel better. All she could see was the terrible life _she_ had left herself. And she understood. That woman needed someone who really understood, just like Rin did.

Kurenai squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry. But I just wanted you to know. Take a few days.”

”Are you telling me this as a friend or as a Jounin?” Rin asked, as she opened her eyes, trying to keep the edge out of her voice. 

Kurenai’s eyes widened. Then, after a couple moments of deliberation, she answered, “I’m telling you this as your friend who loves you very much. But your friend who loves you very much is also a Jounin who needs information to protect Konoha from bastards like Orochimaru.”

”I know,” Rin conceded. “It’s a tricky position to be in.”

Kurenai smiled weakly. “I’m sorry. Unfortunately, it got too hard to try to separate the two so we just had to let them mesh. I guess that’s what we signed up for so long ago, anyway.”

Rin nodded. “I know. I just wonder what my place is in all of that, considering my... _hiatus_.”

“Do you want to be a Jounin?” Kurenai asked. “Is that why you’re training with Kakashi?”

”I don’t know.” Rin flopped against the back of the couch, her face slightly warming at Kakashi’s name. “I’m not training with Kakashi for any sort of title... I just feel inadequate. And I know it’s stupid, but a part of me wishes I could just continue from where I left off the last time I was home.” _But things are different now._ I’m _different now._

“I get that,” Kurenai said sympathetically. “It’s not stupid. And you’re not inadequate. Just take it one day at a time. And lean on us when you need help. Even the strongest people have trouble doing that sometimes, you know. Look at Kakashi.” Rin gave a small laugh.

They talked for a little while longer, delving into lighter topics; Kurenai told her stories about Asuma, Gai, and her students, and Rin laughed so hard she nearly forgot about the draining day she had.

Eventually, Kurenai got up to go home. Before she left, she patted the box on the coffee table and said, “Ah, before I forget. This is for you.”

When Kurenai left, Rin gently opened the box and saw three little sweet buns sitting inside. There was a note written on the inside of the lid:

_I’m sorry about today. See you next week?_

_Kakashi_

_PS: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Good luck tomorrow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely comments!


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